Short-term LEASE

duhh, I just wanna move on. 

Last Day of 2011

Adik kata, "Kan best if everytime muntah keluar gold..."

Mom: "Lagi best if every tears dropped turn into gold..."

Adik: "A'ah, Hani kan suka nangis, nanti saya kutip semua air mata dia..."

-Gosh adik, kau cop aku suka nangis? -___-" Dah lah tak habis2 usik aku dah tua.-

"Shitty adik said, "Ma, hani dah takde 'teen-teen' kan tomorrow? Dia dah 'luh-luh' (puluh-puluh) kan?" #LastDayOf2011

He makes me laugh though he is very annoying. Thanks adik (: 

Miserable phase hasn't shift, the circle is stuck I guess?

Pretending to be strong. Pushing yourself in putting off the tears. Pretending you don't care. Pretending you are not missing him. Pretending you've moved on. And pretending to be fine... At the end of the day, I can feel myself beaten hard and I'll weep. So much for pretending, I find myself being silly.

I wanted to show people around me that I'm okay. I'm strong. I'm tough.

But realizing I'm all the opposite, hmm.... honestly I don't know what to say.

Why am i even blogging this? Putting every other reader into unnecessary misery of mine. Ahhh, I just need to know someone will read and someone cares. That's all... And that someone to be him. I'll just pretend he reads that's all okay. I'll shut up now.

Title-less

You don't know what you really want until you lose it. You don't know how much you really love someone until he/she is gone. Bila dah hilang, meratap air mata darah sekalipun, mungkin tak kembali. MUNGKIN.

I haven't been eating for this week, when I force myself to eat to show people around me that I'm okay, my chest pushed it away, the taste full of betrayal runs through my trachea into my stomach. Someone help me eat, aku sangat lapar but I just couldn't take in anything :(

I breathe, but I don't feel like breathing. I just can't get enough of oxygen... Shisha pun sia-sia sebab tak dapat nak tarik. k, it's not funny -.-"

Mandi masih basah, mungkin aku masih siuman, Alhamdullilah...

When I'm exhausted at night, I fell asleep... But I'm always awake in a sudden way, awake because I missed him, awake because I thought he was there, awake because I wanted to hear his voice... Sakit bila tiba-tiba terjaga and you know you can't change anything. And then I can't sleep anymore. Part duduk sorang-sorang paling tak best, you tend to wander and wander and think and think and cry and cry. But what can you do, crying is part of healing mom said, but I can't stand it because it feels like being stabbed many times yet I'm alive.

Falling out of love is no joke, but I'm not falling out neither I'm falling in... We're in between. 

Sedih, of course sedih. But I feel so much better after I met him today. Macam mana aku tahan jumpa ex? No, I feel worse if I don't see him. I seek strength in him, seeing him happy, seeing him looking great, seeing him smile, make me stronger. After I see him, I am quite sure I'll be okay, we'll be okay, InsyaAllah.

Sumpah aku rasa kosong... dikelilingi ramai orang pun, aku masih rasa kosong. His presence filled the emptiness. Berjumpa sekali pun cukup bagi aku. Now only I learn to be grateful for what we have kannn... shame on me. bahahaha. For time being mungkin aku akan diamkan diri, searching for what I've lost, the value in me. Muhasabah diri mungkin. I can't make people happy if I'm not happy. I can't fall in love if I don't love myself... So, I will love myself to love him even deeper. 

I hope he wouldn't think that I don't care when I stopped looking for him for a while. I hope he wouldn't stop hoping. I hope he wouldn't give up everything. I hope he would wait. I hope he would still love me when I'm back. Hope goes with prayers, Ya Allah I know you heard me... my hope is nothing without your wills. Please keep it, i know it's somewhere inside there...

Smiles and laughs hid everything even a single wound. but I hope he wouldn't forget my eyes. He used to know everything from it... and from there he knows I love him.

I'll be okay. InsyaAllah. 

Not to forget, Mom, who always prays for me, support me, and understand. She doesn't judge and blame and that's the best thing about her. I love you, Mom. 

Currently listening to: Ombak Rindu rotation by perpisahan ini dan Demi Cinta.

(ilysm)

Someone will be smiling when your relationship ends, don't be surprise it might be a friend.

Semak. Itu perasaan yang aku bawak ke sini-sana lately. 

Bila bukak Facebook, lagi semak. So, i decided to deactivate my account. Bila-bila aku rasa it's time for me make a come back, it's either aku akan activate balik atau this time I'm creating a new account. 

People judge. People talk. Doesn't really matter to me. Only family and him who matters. And friends, whichever true friends left... maybe one. maybe two. maybe none. 

I'm just so hurt, I don't know who to look for. I just wanna go somewhere, I don't know where. 

Yang ditunggu tak kunjung tiba. not a call nor a text. 

Ego aku terlalu tinggi, kalah KLCC. doesn't suit to be in a relationship. Aku salahkan diri aku, I just need to be away, find myself again. I feel so lost. Acting to be happy doesn't make me any happier. Laugh and laugh and laugh and in the end of the there I am waiting for a text or call, and cried myself to sleep.

That. Is. How. Pathetic. I. Am. 

I can't make myself find friend who would listen to my heartbroken story, I was busy all this while, I can barely make time for them, so I won't make them have time for me when I'm sad. I don't want them to feel burden, or to even have the thought of "oh she only look for me when she's heartbroken." Nope, I'll be back when I'm okay. I can do this. On my own. Hurt no hurt, everyone eventually get hurt in life. 

Since when ego aku tinggi? Since I got hurt. 

Insecure. Paranoid. Obsessed. Skeptical. Dubious. 

I guess that's me. Is it so? I don't know. 

Confused. Complicated. Muddled up. Obscure.

But I'll be okay, at least no one is lying. 

Promoting cuz she's wayyy too good

Everybody go subscribe;

http://www.youtube.com/user/pinkmarbless/videos !

Her videos are awesome if you are not a hater :p 

Shazreen Fazlynda is a TESL student in Unisel, and tell ya dia memang best. I envy her confidence and talent :)

p/s: this is considered blogwalking ehh ;)

Heard a rumour lately?

She surely will go around looking for every person that would listen to her sympathetic story because she desperately wants people to trust her before us. Of course, she already knew that if people know the truth then she would be hated. The least, not trusted? Hmm. Go around girl, waste your time. Too bad we don't really give a fuck anymore :) We really don't have time for this. Cukup kot satu sem kitaorg korbankan untuk kau? Well, to those yang listened to her story and decided to judge us, go ahead... It doesn't cost us a fortune, Allah Maha Adil, he'll be the one to judge you in return. Salam.