Al-Fatihah to Muhammad Noor Zarian bin Abd Rahman

It had been a year since my last post. One freaking year can change so much... One freaking year, and so many things happened. Life happened.

I had been through the worst breakups in my life. Learned to move on. Hurt again, I'm okay. Still on the move. till we decided to go with the flow, no matter how deep the pain was, I can deal with it cuz I know, someday I will marry this guy. Things will work out again. Life would be perfect by then.

hey, I just knew cuz I love him so much. and I know he loves me too.

Then,

He's gone. forever.

Not only he left me, he left everyone. to meet his only Creator.

he's dead.

that was in March 2013.

So, how does it feel losing the love of your life? the heart that keeps you beating?  the guy whom I'm supposed to marry... Losing him means no more fights, no more making up toward each other, no more laughs, no more "I'll see you after work.", no more midnight calls, no more I surprise him infront of his door cuz I've been missing him so much, no more sweet text messages, no more him.

I'd replace him for I love him with all my heart. but... nope, that's not gonna happen. he's gone and that's for real.

It's been months, I make people believe I've moved on. I make myself believe that. I am so tired of crying, dealing with the pain, it's not going anywhere. If I were to stick to reality, there's only one thing I'll have to do, I need to love again. What's with the rush? No, I just need to let go.

And time is such a big deal. People talk so much, I just don't know when will be the right time to love again.

To let go myself, would take so long i believe. To be truly moved on. To be over the grieving.

I miss him a lot. Every situation that are taking place in my life I can relate to him, I just wish he doesn't have to go.

I hope he can rest in peace. be happier up there, in a world we would all meet again.

Yayan, should you know, you taught me a lot while you're still living, and your death had taken me aback and taught me something more. Something that no one else can teach. Only people who experienced beloved's death will understand. I love you.